Even Steadfast Optimists Rant Occasionally

Each of us, I hope, is born with an innate sense of duty that motivates us to protect others from evil. Evil, however, implies that some sort of malevolent intelligence exists where some things are just bad but violently lacking in any intelligence whatsoever. The latter is what I am writing to you about. Enter the new show from FOX, War at Home.


Michael Rappaport plays the lead character who I describe as a noxious cross between Dennis Leary, Bob Saggot, and Slappy the Retarded (but sadly not even lovable) Baboon. The rest of them are a mix of about half of the 12 stock sitcom characters available for use to all of the networks; the sassy wife, dorky son, apathetic daughter, but that's where my memory blanks out a little bit. To call the show formulaic is to call leprocy "a little rash".

I'm not even sure how to describe the actual content of the show as I can't seem to remember any part of it in particular, but I can say that I distinctly remember my emotional reaction during the 7 minutes I happened to watch it.

• Minute 1 - Excitement at the prospect of finding a fresh new show on television (I'm an optimist after all).
  
• Minutes 2-4 - Disbelief that someone green-lighted this show, but hope that it might get better, or that they played the wrong reel and would start over shortly.
  
• Minute 5 - A deep sadness for the poor laugh-track operator who had to push that laugh button. Every time he hit that button, part of the world's joy died. I think actually I saw the actors flinch at the sound of laughter in surprise (I'm not kidding).
  
• Minutes 6-7 Fear, general disorientation, and pain set in as I fumbled for the remote without the use of my now bleeding eyes.

In the end, War at Home is much like full-grown men that still kill ants with a magnifying glass: it's moronic, embarrassing for them, and a shameful waste of life.

In other words, I didn't like it. Please save yourselves.